To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that. Whenever I would go get something for dad or Frank would call and want me to deliver something the talk always turned to sex. When I started dating Frank wanted details about my sexual encounters. A few times he would tell me about freaky things he and his wife did. He always looked to see if I was hard. One summer when I was in college dad, Frank, Ray and Bubba were going fishing. Ray's son Ronny was going as was I. Ronny and I shared a cabin at the lake. Dad and Ray shared a cabin and Frank and Bubba shared a cabin. That Thursday when we got to the camp grounds we were unloading the supplies from the boats and pickups. I pulled off my shirt and ran around in some gym shorts. Ronny was still wearing his t-shirt but was wearing gym shorts as well. Frank was talking about how he was going to have to jack off at least three times a day while we were out here. We all laughed. I was at the time experimenting with a friend at college. He and I would get together for a suck.
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